Thro the throes of birth to dawn,
Out from this dusky womb I go:
My Mother pushed, gasping a whimper:
Repeat, fade, repeat, fade . . .
On her last, the Doc, Okayed, Okayed,
While my Father stood me up
On a naked world, many stories told.
Upon its surface, I walked like a limper:
To what path, to what where,
Within me could not care,
Minding a mind, I never minded.
Innocent sight, no terror there,
Nor Light appeases or Darkness I dree:
Neither side could explain,
For me, neither wise nor loud enough,
To fall for bluff or slush in their slough
Yet both enchained me as their Banshee!
Mindless, I subconsciously knew this place and that,
Beneath its rapacious porous soil, I would succumb.
Those above my door shed for me no pathos!
Feeble, my heart found valor in every thrum
Yet each fought the sick and pallor pathogens.
Dumb-tongued, all I could do, while heavily I drew
On a big galore of air, was pout, pouting foolish syllables,
Not even the Gods could answer their wailing shouts!
Knowing this, there was a brief pulse of bliss
Emanating from my Mother's aegis chest:
Against it, I laid, turning from this world,
Then found I rested best in her arms she furled.
When I grew on this naked place, many stories told,
This tot was to rot, as my Mother's arms unfold!














Critiques
First and last stanzas are particularly strong. Last line, exquisite. I applaud you for that one. Honestly, I can only imagine your writing getting stronger. My advice would be to leave more mystery. You may be shocked by interpretations people come up with. Listening to what other people have found in my poems has really helped me.
I love the way you use the language to give it a more... well, I don't want to say "antiquated" as that has negative connotations, but more traditional, perhaps? The heaviness of the language gives it an almost Poe-like feeling, evoking images of darkness.
While you do not subscribe to any set rhythm, unlike some so-called "freeform" (or, on Dev art, and much preferable to myself, "open") poems, you use your space and line breaks with powerful effectiveness. You manage to convey pauses and emotions with your effective use of enjambments and other physical (read as: typographical) techniques. You also convey your story and meaning very well.
That being said, there was this:
Ellipses. It fits in the "repeat, fade" section where you first use it, as it gives that sense of fading away. However, I felt it disrupted the flow in the last stanza when it came after "unfurled." You were not like some authors and poets who brutally over use them, like I used to (it's a sickness) but I did feel the one after unfurled was generally unneeded.
Over all, it showed a great understanding of poetry and poetic devices matched with passion and powerful emotion. Well done!
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