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Thro the throes of birth to dawn,
Out from this dusky womb I go:

My Mother pushed, gasping a whimper:
Repeat, fade, repeat, fade . . .
On her last, the Doc, Okayed, Okayed,
While my Father stood me up
On a naked world, many stories told.
Upon its surface, I walked like a limper:

To what path, to what where,
Within me could not care,
Minding a mind, I never minded.
Innocent sight, no terror there,
Nor Light appeases or Darkness I dree:
Neither side could explain,
For me, neither wise nor loud enough,
To fall for bluff or slush in their slough
Yet both enchained me as their Banshee!

Mindless, I subconsciously knew this place and that,
Beneath its rapacious porous soil, I would succumb.
— Those above my door shed for me no pathos! —
Feeble, my heart found valor in every thrum
Yet each fought the sick and pallor pathogens.
Dumb-tongued, all I could do, while heavily I drew
On a big galore of air, was pout, pouting foolish syllables,
Not even the Gods could answer their wailing shouts!

Knowing this, there was a brief pulse of bliss
Emanating from my Mother's aegis chest:
Against it, I laid, turning from this world,
Then found I rested best in her arms she furled.

When I grew on this naked place, many stories told,
This tot was to rot, as my Mother's arms unfold!
©2009 *PeacefulSoul
:iconpeacefulsoul:

Author's Comments

:icondonotplz::iconusemyartplz: Copyright ©



The title reads, "A Childs Woe."

The reason I used the word Tot is because it perfectly rhymes with rot, which that word is referring to aging old in the last line.


THERE IS [NO] ATHORIZATION TO USE THIS POEM IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM IN YOUR WORK. NO DOWNLOADS ARE ALLOWED.
COPYRIGHT © ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.


GRAMMAR USE:


Thro – is another word for through.

Throes – another word for pains; dealing with something very unpleasant.
In this poem, refers to birth.

Banshee – is another word for a soul.

Rapacious – in this poem is another word for hungry: the soil absorbs and decays the dead.

Galore – in big quantities of, in this poem, air and letting it out in a scream that of a baby.

Aegis – in this poem refers to my Mother's chest being a shield of very brief protection.



Again, enjoy everyone!

Critiques


:iconthewesternwoods:
Firstly, I really admire the fact that you obviously have a love of language. You're not afraid to be misunderstood, in fact it's almost as if you expect that you will be. Don't get caught up explaining. Poems eventually find their own audience.

First and last stanzas are particularly strong. Last line, exquisite. I applaud you for that one. Honestly, I can only imagine your writing getting stronger. My advice would be to leave more mystery. You may be shocked by interpretations people come up with. Listening to what other people have found in my poems has really helped me.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconwandio:
Oh where to begin!

I love the way you use the language to give it a more... well, I don't want to say "antiquated" as that has negative connotations, but more traditional, perhaps? The heaviness of the language gives it an almost Poe-like feeling, evoking images of darkness.

While you do not subscribe to any set rhythm, unlike some so-called "freeform" (or, on Dev art, and much preferable to myself, "open") poems, you use your space and line breaks with powerful effectiveness. You manage to convey pauses and emotions with your effective use of enjambments and other physical (read as: typographical) techniques. You also convey your story and meaning very well.

That being said, there was this:

Ellipses. It fits in the "repeat, fade" section where you first use it, as it gives that sense of fading away. However, I felt it disrupted the flow in the last stanza when it came after "unfurled." You were not like some authors and poets who brutally over use them, like I used to (it's a sickness) but I did feel the one after unfurled was generally unneeded.

Over all, it showed a great understanding of poetry and poetic devices matched with passion and powerful emotion. Well done!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

Thank you for your Critique

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Comments


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:iconemmie-lynne:
Very illustrative of a child... I like this a lot Siryan, and interesting use of pathogens too!

--
While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt.
~Odilon Redon
:iconpeacefulsoul:
I am really glad you liked it. I think the whole conclusion is the strongest of lines though, especially the last two . . .

Thanks for the Fave!

--
"Hell belongs in a book
Where the setting is doused with flowers
Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies,
As some random man screams,
“Today’s weather is 50 degrees
With a 101% chance of cloudy skies,
Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan-
:icontwilight16master:
i have always adored agressive and mellow-dramatic descriptions. ^_^ this is instantly a winner!

--
What ar Ghosts but sad memories? Each of us are being haunted, our fears and regrets are always with us.
:iconpeacefulsoul:
Thank you so much for the Fave! Yes, this one is quite the powerful piece. Although my critiquer pointed something out for me that the word unfurled and unfold were similar.

--
"Hell belongs in a book
Where the setting is doused with flowers
Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies,
As some random man screams,
“Today’s weather is 50 degrees
With a 101% chance of cloudy skies,
Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan-
:icontwilight16master:
oh realy? o.o i guess in a way.

--
What ar Ghosts but sad memories? Each of us are being haunted, our fears and regrets are always with us.
:iconpeacefulsoul:
It is a very minor fix. I just have to change it to furled, as in being rolled up, perhaps in a blanket.

--
"Hell belongs in a book
Where the setting is doused with flowers
Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies,
As some random man screams,
“Today’s weather is 50 degrees
With a 101% chance of cloudy skies,
Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan-
:iconalienlazer:
It's not really my cup of tea, but I have to admit
that the last line is very strong. :)
:iconpeacefulsoul:
What do you not like about it. And of course, without that last line the poem would probably be nothing. I am just interested in hearing what you did not agree with.

Maybe something you read struck an experience you had and caused you to dislike it or . . .

I'm just curious. Nonethless, thank you for the comment!

--
"Hell belongs in a book
Where the setting is doused with flowers
Upon a field, accompanied by butterflies,
As some random man screams,
“Today’s weather is 50 degrees
With a 101% chance of cloudy skies,
Just to irk the Hell out of it!" -SIRyan-
:iconalienlazer:
Probably the topic.. a poem about new life when I could never give that to the world, but of course you'd question me.. which made me reconsider and have another stroll at reading it.. and of course the more I read something, the more it grows on me. It really is a good poem. I have nothing to disagree about on that issue, and I'm still taken back (in a good way) by that last line. :)

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